THIS YEAR WAS HARD!

This year of having a new baby and a toddler was so much more difficult than I imagined. I knew it would be busy, but I did not expect it to be so exhausting, frustrating, and just down right hard! I don't even think I realized all of this until I started to look back on the last 12 months. Tripp's birthday is 10 days away and things are finally settling into a rhythm. I really just did not expect to struggle SO much. God has such an amazing way of keeping us humble doesn't he?

It all started with a late night C-section on June 29th, 2011. I was having a lot of contractions and with two previous c's, there were some risk factors with that. I was only 37 weeks, but he looked to be a good size and Mia was born healthy at 37 weeks. They handed me this perfectly chubby 7 pound 13 ounce baby boy. It was a truly special moment. In fact that picture is still the wallpaper on my phone because right after that, things began to unravel!

They heard gurgling in his breathing so he was whisked away to NICU. I think most of you know the story from there. It was 10 LONG days. I was healing from the C-section and had to stay on the maternity floor for 5 days. It is so strange to be there without a baby! Tripp was on heavy antibiotics and breathing machines. We did not get to hold him until the day I discharged home. He came home 5 days later. Because of his NICU stay, I never really got the hang of nursing him. We both endured it for 6 months, but it was never easy like it have been with the girls.

These problems stacked up and made it so hard for me to just settle into those precious mommy moments. You know the ones when you are overcome with love for that precious baby. He has never been one to snuggle either, which is such a huge part of my baby love language. I have to confess that I even struggled with resentment for the whole situation. I no longer had unlimited special moments with Mia and I now had a son that was more work than I bargained for. I also walked completely away from my job which I LOVED to stay home with both kids. That made for long days and feelings of isolation for sure. ( I hope my candidness is not offending anyone...but I thought it might help someone else if I shared!)

Tripp spent most of the year sick. He had skin infections, eczema, several rounds of croup that we now know as asthma. His skin and illnesses prevented him from sleeping well and just a diaper change took 20 minutes with all of his creams and treatments he had to have. Also add in that we had him on a heart monitor at home because of SIDS risks. I was dealing with fear everytime he finally DID fall asleep. I am sure that part of my detachment as well. We were exhausted and in survival mode!

I considered telling my doctor how stressful it was...maybe a little medication would have helped. I really wanted to avoid that as much as possible. I have avoided it through this whole grief process, so starting now didn't seem right. I resorted to prayer, quiet time, and some good girl talk to survive.

Once his personality starting showing, things did get a little better. He has an infectious smile and the cutest lopsided dimples that I have ever seen. He doesn't know a stranger and loves to play with toys all by himself. (Something his sister still struggles with.) We now know the allergens that are the root cause of a lot of his problems and since we have figured those out, life has completely changed for the better. He sleeps great, eats great, and is generally a very happy guy. I have completely fallen for him, head over heals, just like everyone warned me I would!

I used to always say that I LOVED babies. Having lost one, I just clung to the special moments that you get when they are so young. Tripp and I did not really get those moments and I had to change my heart to welcome this unique little into my world. I think I am officially changing my "favorite" age to 1! I am supposed to be one of the those Moms that has perfect perspective, right? I have seen the worst of the worst, so everything else is just roses??? That is what I have tried to tell myself all year. That is where God just took over. I am not in control of my own life, I never have been. He hands me the reigns everyone once in a while to see if I can handle it, but I lose sight of the big picture and he has to remind me once again who is in control.

I love my life, my husband, my children, and my story. I know God uses it and I pray that I continue to be faithful to whatever plan he has for me. Thanks to all of you for hearing my confession and my heart! This blog has been life saver for me this year!